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What Higher Unemployment Numbers Could Mean For You + Lee’s take on C, WM, COF, NYX, WPO, NWS , AXP, CAKE, YUM, and HD |
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InvestorsObserver
Featured
Contributor
Lee M. Allen
Recent employment news has me looking over my shoulder lately. With more and more people from companies like Citigroup (C), Washington Mutual (WM), Capital One Finance (COF), and most every other business sector losing their jobs, it’s probably just a matter of time before my boss decides he could do without one of his brilliant writers, especially one that consumes more than his fair share of the occasional office birthday cake.
It’s hard for me to imagine being unemployed. I’ve worked since I was a ten-year-old newspaper delivery boy. Well, I didn’t actually deliver the papers. I left that to my best friend, Billy. It was a good arrangement. Billy did all the work and we shared the money. A fair 30/70 split. I got the 70, of course.
What can I say? The newspaper company interviewed us both and I got the job. Luckily, I knew my friend Billy was much better than me at things like manual labor, getting up early in the morning, and throwing newspapers. The only thing I was good at back in those days was spending money. That was back when penny candy cost a nickel. |
Time to start looking for another job
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With pink slips in the air, this may be a good time for me to polish up my resume and share some of my sure-fire job search tactics.
Read on for more on Lee’s sure fire job-search tactics…
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The most important thing about a job search is to be sure you really, really love the potential new job. The people who interview you will be trying to evaluate your enthusiasm for the company and the position. If you are at all ambivalent about the IRS – we think these people are modern living saints – Assistant to the Regional Paper Pusher position, even an amateur interviewer will pick that up and you can forget about getting hired.
2008 Golden Parachute Hall of Fame Nominee
Roger Deromedi
Paid $36 million to step aside as CEO of Kraft
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The key is to look for at least three things you can get excited about when you’re looking at new job possibilities. A lot of people may look for things like strong company growth, affable co-workers, or competitive salary. But for me, the three most important things in a new job would be:
A generous golden parachute – This very well could be the one most important factor for me. My next job will be set up like the New York Stock Exchange’s (NYX) ex-Grand Master’s pay package. When I leave, and I will leave the job some day, I will receive more than three-hundred million dollars, full use of the company jet, and free subscriptions for life to the Washington Post (WPO), Wall Street Journal (NWS) and Mad Magazine.
Lavish expense account – I don’t want to fill out an expense report where I have to validate the business purpose of every single charge I make at the 7-Eleven. To keep things simple, just give me an open-ended, no limit, American Express (AXP) card and send the bill right to the busiest person in accounting who has so much to do they won’t notice the multiple charges from breakfast, lunch and dinner at Cheesecake Factory (CAKE). |
Vacation credit for past work experience – Just because I will be taking a new job doesn’t mean I should forfeit the cumulative weeks, months and years in all my past jobs when it comes to computing my vacation time. Yes, I even want them to count my time as a teenager working the fryers at KFC, a division of Yum! Brands (YUM). So when it’s all added up, I should have enough seniority to get around six weeks of vacation, which is as much time off as an entry-level French worker gets at their first job.
Another thing you may want to consider is the general job category. With so many possibilities and pitfalls out there, you need to get this one right. Here are three areas you might be thinking about but may want to avoid:
Government Jobs – The typical allure of a government job is pretty much guaranteed employment for life. Unless you are an elected official, in which case you may stay on for a few years after you die just to keep collecting all the benefits like free postage and retirement benefits not paid by the nearly insolvent Social Security Administration. If you are considering a government job, make sure you read the fine print or that Associate Red Rubber Stamper Grade VII position you thought you took might end up as Expendable Point Patrol Person Grade 0 on the streets of a town called Fallujah, Kirkuk, or Baghdad. I hear the Army has had a hard time filling positions lately and may be turning to the extreme fine print clause in the Defense Department’s recruiting bag of tricks.
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2008 Golden Parachute Hall of Fame Nominee
Tom Freston
Paid $84.8 million when ousted by Chairman Sumner Redstone after less than a year
as CEO of Viacom
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Reality Show Contestant – As you spin through your cable channels trying to avoid stations with commercials, odd sports, pimpleless singing/dancing mock high school kids, or shows sponsored by Home Depot (HD) with people doing painting, wallpapering, or gardening, you will no doubt land on one of those reality shows. This is where smart television producers, who don’t have enough money for actual writers or actors, just gather up a few regular people and get the cameras running. It is great laughs for the viewers, but close to torture for the contestants. Eating bugs, getting outsmarted by a fifth grader or swapping wives is probably more fun to watch than actually do. Well, two of the three anyway.
2008 Golden Parachute Hall Of Fame WINNER!
Robert L. Nardelli
Walked away with $210 million when
he
resigned as CEO of Home Depot
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Humor Column Writer – This life may seem glamorous to some people; sit around all day and type into a word processor, parties, meeting big time famous celebrities. But I can tell you with perfect certainty that this is hard work; endless hours of research, continuous rewriting, and the relentless deadlines. Not to mention a half-blind editor who can’t spell and eats only cabbage sandwiches with extra garlic and baked beans on the side. Then there are the pesky paparazzi. Enough said; I don’t want to get that pack of drooling hyenas after me again like last time.
If I’m not here next week, you can bet I’ll be sitting behind the desk at my ideal new job. Or I might be off on the corporate jet enjoying the first of my six weeks of vacation – all paid for with a bottomless company American Express card.
Or… Maybe I’ll just find my old friend Billy and see if I can still collect on that 30/70 split.
If you have any interesting job search insights, please email me at LeeAllen@InvestorsObserver.com |
FREE Market Smart 10% Hedged Service until October 9th
See winning trades in up, down & flat markets on stocks
you know: McDonald’s (MCD), Amazon.com (AMZN), John
Deere (DE) and more — all with 10% downside protection.
We’ve generated 54.29% annualized returns and we’re set
to make $1550 in August alone.
Test our September trades FREE — sign up for the FREE trial now. |
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