The three leading U.S. cell phone service providers are Verizon (VZ), A T &T (T), and Sprint (S), but the service side of things just doesn’t seem to get the same excitement as when a new handset is released. People view cell service providers as if they were electricity or water providers; not much there to get excited about. Someone calls you and your phone rings. You tap in a number, hit send and you are connected. Nothing too exciting there, either.

Cell Phone Rule Of The Road #1
On a first date, obsessively use your cell phone.
She will think you are so important and  “cool”

Cell Phone Rule Of The Road #2
Start your kids as early as possible. It’s never too soon to learn good
cell phone habits.

An unfortunate unintended consequence of this rampant cell phone use is that a whole subculture of bad cell phone manners has emerged. They are like motorcycle gangs but without the Harley-Davidson (HOG) choppers.

I will give people the benefit of the doubt and assume the only reason they have bad cell phone manners is because there is really no cell phone etiquette rulebook like they have for automobile drivers. You don’t need to take a license test to get a cell phone. You just ask for one, plunk down your American Express (AXP) or Visa (V) credit card and it’s yours.  No tests, questionnaires, or quizzes administered. 

Unfortunately, at this point 99.8% of the people in this country own a cell phone and have no idea about the basic rules of use. Sure; they know how to place and receive calls. But even the most basic sense of etiquette is well beyond most common knowledge when it comes to the gentile and considerate art of cell phone use.

Let’s say it’s around 10:30 in the morning and the full gastric effect of my breakfast coffee –Folgers is a product of the J.M. Smucker Company (SJM)- has just occurred. I am in our less than $1.2 million men’s room enjoying the Wall Street Journal –owned by NewsCorp (NWS)– as I take care of essential biological business when all of a sudden my cell phone rings.

Do I answer the cell phone call? What if the person on the other end asks where I am? Do I lie or tell truth? What if the guy in the next stall flushes and my caller asks what that sound is? I could say I was at Niagara Falls, but then they would ask why the noise stopped. “Oh… I meant I was in a subway station and an express train just passed by.” 

How many times have you been in the restroom and heard someone else’s phone ring or actually heard someone talking on a cell phone while taking care of their personal biological business? Once is too many times for me. I walked into the restroom a few weeks ago and heard a man talking to someone in one of the stalls. Did he realize everyone could hear about his dinner plans, work related gripes, and boasts about his digestive production?  

Cell Phone Rule Of The Road #3
If your phone falls into the toilet,
block the door and call tech support. Ask for the phone recovery department.

Cell Phone Rule Of The Road #4
DO NOT use your cell phone in this Chicago Deli

Taking this one more step… Wouldn’t it be fun to call one of your coworkers when they are in the restroom. Just to see what they do? Will they answer the phone or not? This could be the subject of a non-sports related office pool. Are executives more likely to answer while in the restroom than the rank and file?  If they answer, make up a seemingly legitimate reason for the call, “Someone is here from Publisher’s Clearinghouse carrying a huge check with your name on it. They want to see you now. Where are you?”

There is a delicatessen in Chicago who shall remain nameless, because they probably wouldn’t send me a gift certificate anyway, that strictly forbids cell phone use. Maybe it’s because people talk too loud when they are on a call or it slows the ordering process, but they are real cell phone haters there.

People seem to think cell phone use in a movie theater is the highest form of insult to humanity. Theaters make all forms of catchy humorous preshow announcements. Everything from puppets to former action stars tell you twenty-seven different ways to turn your cell phones off. We have heard this cute, cautious, stern plea so many times so many different ways. Maybe they should just get one of these stealth cell-phone destroyers like that Chicago deli uses.  But it would be really great if they could get this screaming cell phone scrambling device to target people who talk during the movies, too.  Some people – not you of course - think they are sitting in their own private media room. If there was a pause and rewind button in the movie theater, they would probably use it. But if they were zapped with a harsh thunder-scream when they talked, that would quickly be the end of talking in movie theaters.

What’s with the cell phone use threats on passenger jets?

They warn passengers before we take off to absolutely positively turn off our cell phones and not turn them back on until the flight has landed. Are they trying to say the jet could veer off course, lose altitude, ignite the $2 pillows, or the doors could suddenly fly open if one of our cell phones makes or receives a call?

Cell Phone Rule Of The Road #5
Posters like these don’t really refer to you. Use your cell phone
all you want.

Cell Phone Rule Of The Road #6
If you or a loved one is getting married
be sure to use the appropriate bride and groom
on the wedding cake

One time, on a flight, I accidentally left my cell phone turned on… By “accidentally” I mean I left it in my coat pocket stuffed in an overhead bin and I was in the window seat so I could not get up and get to my coat before takeoff. By “could not” I mean I tried, but by the time I remembered the cell phone was still switched on, the jet was already rumbling down the runway. I know those flight attendants are trained to tackle large men like me who try to get up for a stroll while the jet is moving, so I thought I would sit this one out.

I worried my little Palm Treo might cause the flight some trouble. At that very moment, the jet’s black box was probably registering the deadly radio waves from my cell phone. As soon as the seatbelt light went off, I motioned to my two seatmates that I had to get up. I answered their annoyed looks with the universal “I have to puke” signal. But before I could get up, deep in the overhead bin, my cell phone started ringing.  A look of shear fear spread over the flight attendants’ faces. They dug though the overhead bin in search of the loaded cell phone as it persistently rang.

One of them grabbed the phone and tapped what they thought was a power down button. But this was a Palm Treo so she had pressed the speaker phone button, “Hello, Lee, this is your mother. Are you there?”