That money from Washington has too many strings for me, so I’m glad the management here turned it down. I’m just not sure how my family and I could ever make it on only $500,000 a year.

But every night at the dinner table we say a little prayer for those unfortunate ones who were forced to accept bailout money and now have to take massive pay cuts. Even the thought of trying to live on only $500,000 a year saddens my heart. It just can’t be done!

Your pay cut to $500,000/Year?
Say goodbye to the Maserati

Fine cuisine for those making only $500,000/Year

1. Have a family meeting – Instead of letting your family continue to spend like drunken sailors on shore leave, have a meeting and honestly tell them that since you were personally responsible for crashing the entire United States economic system, your boss has capped your salary at a measly $500,000. Your kids will laugh thinking it’s all a joke. How could they exist without their diamond-studded Tiffany (TIF) cell phones? At that point, tell your oldest daughter or son that the cleaning lady has agreed to help them find a job cleaning other people’s houses. That should get their attention. Have a bucket with rags and cleaning supplies at the ready.

3. Get rid of your artwork – You never could figure out what those Warhols, Picassos, and LeRoy Neimans were really about anyway. You just knew they were darn expensive and it cost a lot to have Prudential (PRU) insure them. Next weekend take those paintings down to the nearest gas station and prop them up on the corner with a big FOR SALE sign. They will probably all be sold before lunch if you price them right. On the way home, stop off at Staples (SPLS), OfficeMax (OMX) or Office Depot (ODP) to buy some poster board and markers. You can make your own art. Don’t forget to cancel that huge insurance policy. 

To save money on your new $500,000 annual budget, buy the same closeout dress for your trophy wife and mistress

On $500,000/year you will need to cut your insurance costs - Trade in those Warhols, Picassos, and LeRoy Neimans for a Burt O’Connor original to dress up the walls of your RV

7. No more five-star restaurants – Now that your credit cards have all been destroyed, you won’t be able to eat at any five-star restaurants. It costs so much to eat in those places that you would need to carry more cash than would ever be safe without your bodyguard. And since your bodyguard ran off with your wife, you just should not be carrying around that much cash anyway. Try some of the finer but downscale places when you don’t feel like whipping up hot dogs, beans and Kraft (KFT) macaroni and cheese in the RV. I would suggest you visit Olive Garden or Red Lobster - both run by Darden Restaurants (DRI). And no matter how poor you feel on your new $500,000 a year paycheck, do leave a tip. Cheating the servers out of their tips is no place to save money. They will snap a picture of you and send it out over the super fast Cisco (CSCO) server network and within four minutes every restaurant server in the country will know you left a substandard tip. Remember, your server is the last one to handle your food before you eat it. You never know what they have hidden in your food or done with that slightly moist dinner roll.

8. Get a second job – I’m always looking for someone to get coffee for me or pick up all the wads of paper that missed my waste basket. The pay isn’t much, but we get free bagels around here once a month. Unfortunately, our parking lot is so small you will have to park your RV down at the Wal-Mart about two miles away. But look at the bright side: you will pass a 7-Eleven on the way here so you can pick me up a few donuts.